Don't be comfortable with your anger

Sometimes I run across quotes that strike a chord with me and make me want to share them with others.  I wish I could say that these quotes all came from the great thinkers of our world.  The fact is I watch my share of junk television but sometimes even TV has a gem of wisdom hidden in there.

"When one has been angry for a very long time, it becomes comfortable, like old leather and it becomes difficult to feel any other way."   -- Jean Luc Picard

Okay, so the captain of the Enterprise doesn't have the same intellectual reputation as Aristotle but the point he made is a good one.  Too often, I see people that have gotten so accustomed to their anger that they don't realize the harm it does them.

Maybe they are angry at their spouse or their boss or their brother or sister or Democrats or Republicans or gays or Wall Street or Muslims or …  The list goes on and on.  If left alone, most people would come to grips with whatever angers them and eventually the anger would subside.  But usually, they find someone to help stir it up.  Maybe it is a coworker they share lunch with while complaining about the boss.  Or maybe a friend that is also going through a divorce so they swap horror stories about their ex-spouses.  Or maybe a radio/television host that rants on and on about something every day.  The point is that there is someone else that helps nurture and feed their anger.  As a result, the anger doesn't subside.  It stays around and is always quick to surface.

There are two old sayings that give us a warning about letting this happen: "Thought becomes word, word becomes action, action becomes habit and habit becomes character" and "We become what we think about most of the time".

When someone falls in the habit of re-visiting the things that bother them, it is just like any other habit.  The more they do it, the easier it becomes and the harder it is to quit.  Pretty soon, they don't know how to go about a normal day without thinking about the thing that bothers them.  At that point, the anger has become part of that person's character. 

Odds are, you have fallen into this trap at least once in your life.  Maybe you got over it eventually, maybe not.  The thing to remember though is that the title of this blog is "Control of your life is in your hands".  If you ever find yourself focusing on a negative situation or person too much, the first step is to recognize that you are doing it.  Only then can you shake your head, tell yourself to stop it and focus on something else.  If you can do that, then you have taken a step in regaining control of your own life and happiness.

Trust the one that does you right

This is a story about loyalty and trust. 

Several years ago, I was in the unpleasant position of having to find an oncologist.  It wasn't a spot I wanted to be in and I had no idea how to choose the right one.   The surgeon that operated on me recommended a guy but I didn't have any idea whether he was a good choice or not.  Was he a quack?  Did he spend more time on the golf course than the office?  These were pretty important questions to me.  Then I found the answer…

A few weeks after my main surgery, I had a smaller follow-up surgery.   This was an out-patient procedure so I was back home that night.  The next day, I woke up with the mother of all stiff necks!  I thought I had just slept on it wrong and it would work itself out so I went on with my round of medical appointments for the day.  I had to see a couple of other doctors in the morning and then I had my first meeting with the oncologist in the afternoon. 

When Dr. Murphy walked in, I stood up to shake hands and he took one look at me and said "You aren't moving too well".  I told him about the stiff neck, not thinking much about it.  Fortunately, he did.  He sent me for an ultrasound and it turned out that I had blood clots in my arm, neck and lungs.  There's a lot of danger with clots like that but they started me on blood thinners that day and everything worked out okay.

But here's the thing that stuck in my mind - Between the various nurses and doctors, he was at least the fifth medical professional to deal with me that day.  The others didn't notice anything amiss but with just one look, he knew I had a problem that needed treatment.  Had those clots gone untreated another day, things could have taken a real turn for the worse.

After that, I never questioned whether he was the right guy to treat me.  When someone does right by you, that's the person you stick with.  

Look at the people in your life.  Who was there when you really needed help?  Who hit one out of the park for you?  Keep those people close and overlook any small things they do that bother you.  Everybody has their quirks but not everybody has your back.

Two sides? To every story? Nah...

Back in 1978, I was a teenager living in Groves, Texas.  I had an after school job at a small local hospital doing yard-work and minor repairs.  That year, our town got hit by a minor hurricane.  Not real bad damage but there was significant flooding.  In parts of town, the water was 2 – 3 feet high.  As a result, a lot of the hospital staff was unable to get to work because their cars couldn’t make it through the water.

To everyone's surprise, the hospital's no-frills Chevy pickup was able to get through the deep water pretty well.  So my boss and I traded shifts driving staff members to and from work.  You can imagine that I thought this was pretty cool.  I got to drive around town when everybody else was stuck at home and take the nurses to and from work.  Pretty exciting stuff for a teenage boy…

At one point, I was driving down a major street trying to navigate some pretty deep water.  Because of the deep water I had to maintain a good forward speed.  If I slowed down too much, the water would get too far in the tailpipe and the engine would die.  Then all of a sudden I heard someone yell out “You better slow down or I’ll put you in the [blanking] hospital!”  I looked around and realized he was yelling at me! 

The businesses lining the street were battling the encroaching water and many of them had sandbags piled up to keep the floodwater out of their stores.  It was the owner of a local appliance store that was so angry at me.  It turns out that I was kicking up a pretty good wake and that the water was coming in over the sandbags.  He was doing his best to save his store and here I was making things worse for him!

Later on, I realized this was an example of how there are two sides to every story and, in some cases, both sides are right.  I was out there doing a good deed - the hospital employees needed to get to work in order to take care of patients.  But he was right – I was causing him even more damage than he had already suffered.

Just because you are right doesn't mean the other guy is wrong.

Fighting an army of your own making

"I've had thousands of problems, most of which never happened"
                                                          -- Mark Twain
                   
I love this quote because it reminds me to not spend time looking for trouble. 

Think back to the last time you had a difficult conversation with someone .  Not one that caught you by surprise but one that you knew was coming hours or even days in advance.  Perhaps it was with a family member, coworker or neighbor.  If you are like most people, you thought about this conversation before-hand and played it out in your mind a dozen different ways.  You came up with all the clever things you would say to put the other person in their place and ensure that They Knew You Were Right. 

Go ahead and admit it… you've done this before, haven't you?

The problem with writing the dialog before the other guy shows up is that you are programming yourself for conflict.  By focusing on the negative ways the conversation can go, you are doing everything you can to ensure it goes exactly that way.

Now, I'm all for prior planning and anticipating objections.  Airline pilots and astronauts are masters of this skill.  They spend countless hours identifying problems that can occur and practicing the correct response to each type of problem.  This way, they have the right response in mind should something happen.

Good salespeople do the same thing.  They know the most common objections that a customer may raise and have prepared responses to address those concerns.  Teachers know the types of problems students have and how to help them overcome those problems.  Broadway directors know things that may go wrong during a show and how to respond so that the show can go on.

But there is a difference between preparing a response to a specific objection/problem and daydreaming of ways to put the other person in their place.  The first is a productive use of your time and the second isn't.  Not only is it not productive, it is time that you could have spent coming up with meaningful, constructive ways to address the issue at hand.  So the next time you find yourself daydreaming about an upcoming verbal duel, stop yourself.  Don't do it.

Remember what Mark Twain said and don't create problems that aren't there.

Goal Setting as the Key to Success

Do you want more self-discipline?  Write down a goal, no matter how simple and then do it.  Repeat.

Over 100 years ago, a man named Orison Marden wrote the best-selling self-help book of his day. "Pushing to the Front" was a huge success and industry tycoons like Henry Ford praised it.   In it, the author said that to be successful, two things matter above all else.  "Get-To-It-iveness" and "Stick-To-It-iveness".  This is pretty obviously good advice and is a good springboard to talk about goal setting.

No matter what your definition of success, your happiness at work is part of it.  Whether you want to be a high powered executive or just keep food on the table and spend quality time with your family, then the solution is the same.  You have to be successful at work.  That doesn't mean you have to be a mover and shaker.  It means that you have to do your job as well as you can.  Even if all you want to do is to show up and work for 8 hours, then make those 8 hours the most productive hours possible.  How can you do that?

• Know what is expected of you.  Keep a task list and make sure you are working on those items.
• Set dates for yourself and complete those tasks by your dates.
• Add things to your list that your boss doesn't expect
• Get to it
• Stick to it

No-one wants to work at a job they don't like.  And almost everyone wants to do a job well and be recognized for their effort.  If you want to like your job, follow the simple steps above every day.  The sense of accomplishment you get from being productive and pleasing others will make your job more enjoyable.  Along with that will come the rewards that make it worthwhile, in the form of recognition, security,  pay raises and increased opportunities.

The other side-effect is that  when you go home at night, you can put work out of your mind.  You know for a fact that you worked on the most important tasks and stayed focused all day long.  No-one can ask more of you than that. 

No matter what you want out of your job, follow these steps and you will enjoy it more and be more successful at it.  And then you can devote more time and energy to your personal life.  That will put you in the driver's seat of your life.

(Part Two of )Are the shades open or shut?

In part 1 of this article, I told a story from my youth about how I learned the importance of keeping the shades open.  The literal interpretation of that story is all about your physical surroundings and how a positive environment can affect your attitude and even your health.  But there is a metaphorical side to that story that is just as important.

The well-lit hospital room in that story was a metaphor for your life.  Is it one filled with friendship, positive experiences and happiness?  Or have you surrounded yourself with situations and people that make your life feel like the shades are down?

One of my instructors in the martial arts taught me "Surround yourself with smart people and you become smart.  Surround yourself with nice people and you become nice.  Surround yourself with happy people and you become happy."

The easy way to end this article is for me to say something like "Start spending more time with the positive folks in your life and less time with the negative ones."  Sure, that's good advice and will help you develop more control over your own happiness but I'm going to go a different route...

If the people you see each day were to take stock of the folks in *their* life, which group would *you* end up in?  Would you be grouped with the smart, nice, happy ones?  Or would you be in the group that they want to minimize contact with? 

Are you comfortable with the answer to that question?

I suspect most of us are not 100% in one group or the other.  With some people, you are "good folk".  But with some, maybe you've developed behaviors that make you come across as difficult, negative or unhappy. 

Asking and answering questions like this about yourself is never easy.  And acting on those answers is even harder.

Are the shades open or shut?

Back in the late 1970s, I was working at a small hospital in Groves, Texas doing yard work. On most days after school, I could be found outside mowing grass, picking up trash or doing small repairs. But some days I got to go inside and change the filters in the air conditioners in the patient rooms. This was one of my more pleasant duties since it was inside out of the heat. The job was pretty simple – just go to each room, pop the cover off the front of the air conditioner, take out the old filter and stick in a new one.

As I went from room to room, I started to see a pattern. Some of the patients would be sitting up, talking to visitors, watching television or reading a book. Other patients would be flat on their backs, or curled up in a fetal position obviously not feeling well. Sometimes they would be whimpering in pain or crying.

Almost without fail, the ones that were sitting up and talking would have their window shades open and the lights on in the room. The ones that were feeling poorly would have the shades shut and the lights off. As a result, their rooms were dark and gloomy while the other rooms were light and airy.

Did the one group have the shades up because they felt well? Or did they feel well because they had the shades up? I can’t answer that question scientifically but I sure can tell you what thought stuck in my teenage mind. To me, locking yourself in a dark room made you feel bad.

Since then, I’ve had to go in the hospital a couple of times and I made sure that the shades were up whenever possible.

How do you live your life? Are the shades open or shut?

A book you may like - Rudy Giuliani's LEADERSHIP

I just finished listening to Rudy Giuliani's book Leadership - unabridged on eleven CDs. I've heard him speak in person and thought he was interesting and entertaining and this book didn't disappoint. But this isn't a book review so I won't summarize or analyze. I'll just tell you why I recommend it.

Though the bulk of it dealt with lessons learned from 9/11, there was also plenty of material from his early days as a federal prosecutor. I learned quite a bit from his stories, not the least of which was the impact of 9/11 on the people of New York City. Obviously that day affected all Americans but I didn't have a complete sense for how it affected the people of NYC, both individually and as a group. His stories of the days immediately after 9/11 gave me a new appreciation for what they suffered. If not for any other reason, the book would be worthwhile.

On a personal level, it was interesting to hear about his experience with cancer. He was diagnosed while he was running for the Senate and eventually withdrew to focus on his health. Hard to argue with that decision.

Leadership without authority is the best kind

There is a management axiom that says you can't have responsibility without authority and vice-versa. I agree completely with that sentiment so don't start thinking the title of this article is contradicting that time-tested idea. Instead, I'm pushing a slightly different idea - You can learn to show leadership skills in your own life without the benefit of authority. That is, despite a lack of title or position, you can learn to influence others in positive ways.

One of the core themes for this blog is how to take control of your own life. And one of the tools that I push for accomplishing that goal is leadership training. The idea is that by learning how to become a leader in your personal life, you'll feel more in control and less stress. That doesn't mean you have to be a CEO to be happy, Instead, it means that by learning how to influence others in a positive way, you'll develop stronger relationships with them and accomplish more things that make you and them happy. It doesn't matter whether you are trying to complete a team project at work or school or getting some friends involved in a bowling league - leadership skills are a key to success.

Those ideas in the prior paragraph may seem obvious to you but a lot of people think that leadership training is only for bosses. I've even heard people say that they aren't a manager and never will be, so they don't need to learn anything about leadership.

I'll try to address this sentiment in the most polite way possible… rubbish!

True leadership isn't about telling people to do things. Yes, sometimes that is required of someone in authority. But more often, a leader needs to communicate a goal and convince others to hop on board to try to achieve it. Getting people to work toward a common goal when they aren't being ordered to do so is true leadership.

Can you benefit from this idea?  Do you have a spouse, kids, coworkers or friends? Then you need to understand how to behave as an effective leader. And if you don't have any of those people in your life, well… trying something different sure couldn't make things worse, could it?

Fortunately, there are a ton of resources available on the subject - books, audios and seminars beyond count. All these are a good start. But it is also important to find a mentor that can help you understand the value of acting as a leader in your own life. For me, that began with my martial arts instructors. They opened my eyes to the idea that everyone can be a leader. With what I learned from them, the books and audios started to make more sense. I was able to start applying the lessons they contained.

Go find someone in your life whose opinion you value and ask them about their views on leadership. Then start reading and listening to audio books. Look for opportunities to influence others without relying on authority.

What you'll find is a bit startling to some folks . You'll influence others most when you focus on helping them solve their own problems. I guarantee you this - people will think the world of you if you help make their world a little bit better. And once that happens, your opportunity for influence will increase dramatically. This influence is called leadership and you earned it. That's the best way.

They are people, not resources

The door to the boardroom opens and the CEO walks confidently up to the podium.  In an effort to show how in-touch he is with the latest management philosophies, he proudly announces to all the shareholders...

"Here at XYZ Corp, resources are our most important asset."

Down the hall, in a training class for new managers, the students are solemnly instructed to...

"Take care of your resources and they will take care of you."

And on the motivational poster in the hallway, future leaders are reminded that...

"One measure of leadership is the caliber of resources who choose to follow you."

Yes, these misquotes are silly but think about how often you hear statements like

"Hey Bob, is Steve available?  I need to add a resource to my project."

"We want to grow the organization by 15 resources this year."

"Sales were bad this quarter so we need to downsize 5 resources."

When did we stop calling people "people" and start calling them "resources"?  When did the "Personnel Department" become the "Human Resources Department"?

There is a very real cost associated with referring to employees and co-workers as "resources" instead of "people".  It is the dehumanization of all employees.  The underlying message is that the people in the organization are literally resources - just like the chairs, desks, computers and copiers.  The results manifest themselves in the subtle, unpleasant ways that we have come to accept as the norm in today's corporate world. 

As one of my mentors taught me, the words you use drive your thoughts and your actions.  I don't believe it is possible to call people "resources" on a daily basis and still treat them with the respect they deserve.  But you know what, I've been wrong before and I may be wrong now.  So here is a challenge for you - prove me wrong.

Identify a true leader in our society that habitually refers to people on his or her staff as resources.  Tell me about this person and how they embody all the traits of a true leader:
§ They empower their resources to take the initiative
§ They demonstrate a deep desire to help their resources grow
§ They communicate a clear vision to the resources and enlist their willing help to achieve it
§ They stand up for their resources in times of trouble

Write me a note and tell me all about this "leader of resources".  But I bet you can't.  Because only managers deal with resources.  A leader deals with people.

A Friend I Barely Knew

I attended a funeral today for a man I had only met a few times. Even though he probably wouldn't have recognized me had he passed me on the street, Ken Obertubbesing made a significant impact on my life. You see, he and I were diagnosed with colon cancer at roughly the same time. When we met for the first time, he was in the middle of his chemo treatments and I had not yet started mine. As we talked about our shared circumstance, I was struck by his upbeat attitude and positive spirit.

As our daughters went through high school together, Ken and I ran into each other from time to time. We would exchange a quick word of encouragement for each other and then months would pass before I would see him again. I tried to keep up with his situation through my daughter but after she graduated high school, the updates came less frequently.

Last week I heard the news that he succumbed to the colon cancer. He and I had both just passed our five year marks. Unfortunately, his battle took a different turn than mine.

I can't tell you what Ken did in his free time, what his favorite food was or almost anything else about him. However, I can tell you that his upbeat spirit was contagious and helped me stay positive during my own treatments. So I count him as a friend I barely knew.

Thank you Ken.

Play the game all out

Bear with me on this story… it starts out like Just Another Golf Story by Just Another Middle-Aged Guy. But there's actually a non-golf point to be made.

Recently I've been taking lessons at GolfTec (if you love golf and love technology, you should go check them out). The instructor, Tim, has gradually been helping me fix one thing at a time in my swing and after several lessons it is starting to come together. This weekend, I came home from my lesson all enthused because my club-head speed had gone from 85 MPH to 100+ MPH. If you aren't a golfer, trust me when I say this a good thing. I won't bore you with the details of what he changed except to say that he got me to throw my heart into the swing and really follow through. Bruce Lee made a similar point when he said that you must strike with "emotional content".

As I was describing this change to my wife, she asked one deceptively simple question - "Why did you learn the original bad habit in the first place?" That is, why was I holding back and putting the brakes on my swing? I have been a Bad Golfer for such a long time, it took some effort to think back that far but I finally managed it.

The first few times I hit a golf ball, the ball didn't do quite what I wanted. That is to say, it went in random and unpredictable directions. Rather than taking lessons and fixing the underlying problem, I just made it worse. Because I didn't have any confidence in where the ball was going, I started to hold back a bit. To be tentative.

But as my instructor in kempo-karate says, "If you're going to play the game, play it all out."

Without doubt, there are times to be conservative and to hold a little bit back in reserve. But there are also times when that doesn't cut the mustard. There are times when you need to jump in with both feet. Whether you are opening a new business, falling in love or learning to sky-dive, you need to put your whole heart into it.

Is there anything you are doing in your life where you are holding yourself back? Is there anything where you could be more successful if you took the parking brake off? Think about it and let me know.

Don't Be Afraid to be a Salesman

During his presidency, George W. Bush encouraged people to help strengthen our economy by going shopping. When I heard this, I knew it didn't sound right to me. There was the germ of an idea in there but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Recently it came together for me.

It isn't about how much we buy, it's about how much we sell. And I don't mean how much junk we sell or how many people we can con into buying an overpriced good or service. When a person can sell something that legitimately solves another person's problem or need, then he raises the standard of living for both of them. And when that happens, our economy grows.

On the other hand, if someone sells a shoddy piece of merchandise or a service that doesn't really solve the buyer's problem, then not only was nothing gained but something was lost. Yes, money changed hands and one party came out ahead but the original need stays unfulfilled. So the standard of living for the buyer did not improve. He or she is not only out money but still has the original need.

A good salesman is an educator. He or she helps a person identify the real underlying need and educates them as to the range of solutions that are available to them. If I go into the hardware store asking for a mop to clean up a water leak, an average salesperson will sell me a mop. A good one will help me figure out the cause of the leak and will sell me the tools and material that I can use to fix it. The first one made a sell but the second one solved my problem and raised the standard of living for both of us.

So while President Bush may have had the right idea, he came at it from the wrong angle. Do you want to help get the economy back on track? Then find someone with a problem and help them solve it. Sell them a product or service that addresses their need. Then help them find their next problem and solve that one too. If enough people become problem-solvers, making an honest profit for helping others, our economy will make a huge turn-around.

Public speaking make you nervous?

How do you feel when you have to speak in front of a group? Are you nervous? Join the club… it has been said that public speaking is one of the greatest fears that people have. When put into that situation, many people get nervous, tongue-tied and start stammering. For the longest time, I would beat myself up if I spoke in front of people and didn't do as well as I thought I should have. If I didn't come across as a marvelous orator, I would feel embarrassed and like I had failed. Then I had a change of heart.

What I realized is that on some days, I will be able to speak eloquently, with a captivating narrative and with the ability to communicate the subtlest of points with ease. And on some days, I'm barely able to state my name and address! But every time I talk to a group, I follow this simple rule I learned from one of my mentors - "Speak from the heart, tell the truth and you can never go wrong". So when I speak in front of people nowadays, my only measure of success is "Did I speak from the heart about something I think is important?" If the answer is yes, then I was successful.

Sure, on some days my words may flow more naturally than on other days. But you know what? Even on my off days, the audience can usually figure out what I'm trying to say. And since they are more focused on the message than on the words, everything works out in the end. As a result, I now truly enjoy speaking in front of people.

If you have a fear of public speaking and this helps you deal with it better, send me a note and let me know. I always enjoy hearing about people's successes.

Are You Honest With Yourself?

In our kempo-karate class, the Word of the Week recently was "Honesty". Normally, we talk about honesty as it relates to other people: Don't lie. Tell the Truth. Good lessons, but there's another part to it.

Are you being honest with yourself? When it comes to the things you do, do you give them your best effort? In karate, that means "Are you training hard so that you will really deserve that next belt?" In the workplace - "Did you give that task your best effort?" Around the house - "Do you do chores that need doing, without being told to or expecting credit?"

Did you ever turn a blind eye to some annoying chore, hoping that someone else will see it and do it first? If so, then clearly you are doing that other person a disservice. But even worse, you aren't being honest with yourself. Because I'm pretty sure if someone asked if you are kind, considerate and helpful, you would probably sprain your neck nodding your head yes! You would probably even believe it.

If you are honest with yourself, there will be times you don't like what you see. That's okay. In fact, it is a good thing.

Student Creeds of Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association

The following creeds are known to all students of Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association and are the perfect building blocks for controlling your life.

Student Creed 1 - I intend to develop myself in a positive manner and avoid anything that would reduce my mental growth or physical health.


Student Creed 2 - I intend to develop self-discipline in order to bring out the best in myself and others.


Student Creed 3 - I intend to use the skills I learn in class constructively and defensively to help myself and my fellow man and never be abusive or offensive.

To learn more about how Universal Kempo Karate Schools can help you control your life visit Facebook at www.facebook.com/ukksafrontier or www.coskarate.com and set up a free introductory appointment.

Slow Dance

The following poem was shared in our Adult Karate class by a junior student. It is one that moved her and she wanted to share her emotional connection with others. It moved us as well so we wanted to share it with as many others as possible.

Part of taking control of your life is about opening yourself up to emotional attachments and letting beautiful words speak to you.

Here is Slow Dance.

Slow Dance
by
David L. Weatherford

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away...

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Universal Kempo Karate Schools Big Show

One of the many ways you can control your life is by joining with others who have similar goals and sharing your life with them. Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association is a great place to build positive relationships, learn self-defense, build moral character and stay in good physical condition; all things that go into taking control of your life.

Please enjoy this short clip from our bi-ennial Big Show. You will see hundreds of future Black Belts showing you how they focus and control their own lives and are building a brighter future for themselves.










Success in the martial arts helps build the character and discipline that can lead to success in all other aspects of your life.



Call 282-6885 to ask about a free introductory lesson! Or visit www.coskarate.com
Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association at Frontier Elementary in north Colorado Springs offers a fun safe environment for children and adults to learn the art of self defense and promote physical fitness and confidence that will last a lifetime.

Take Control Lesson 6: Are you rudderless?

Lesson 6

A life without goals is like sailing a ship without a rudder.

You may see some interesting sights but the choice wasn't yours.

 

What are your goals? Amazingly enough, most people can't answer this simple question. If pressed, they'll come up with generalities like "To be happy" or "To be a better person" but very few people can express specific, measurable long-term or short-term goals. As a result, they lead their lives on auto-pilot.

Get up. Go to work. Come home. Eat dinner. Watch TV. Go to bed. Repeat.

But we were put on this earth not just to survive but to thrive. And I truly believe that setting goals is the best, most assured way to take control of your life and be happy.

Understand that a goal is different from a resolution. A resolution is often meant to correct a negative – lose weight, quit smoking, etc. These are fine efforts in themselves but they are not positive, constructive goals. A goal should be something that adds value to your life or the lives of those around you. Getting a degree, raising money for charity, learning a new language… the list goes on and on.

You should start small but you should start. Read a book on goal setting (I recommend the author Brian Tracy but there are many others to choose from). Set a goal, work on it and check it off your list. You'll be amazed at how satisfying that will be and how much control it adds to your life.

 

 

Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears
Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association
at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO
www.COSKarate.com

Take Control Lesson 5: You influence others through more than your words

Lesson 5

You cannot control someone else's life but you can and do influence them every time you are together.

This influence will either be positive or negative and will come back to you eventually.

 
You are a person of influence with everyone you meet. Your words, behavior, actions and attitude influence how they feel about you. And how they feel about you drives how they respond to you. Influence them in a negative way and they will be uncooperative and will not look for ways to help you. But if you influence them in a positive way, they will truly enjoy being around you, working toward a common goal and helping you in many different ways.


 
Imagine how much control you would feel in your life if there were dozens of people you could call on for help. If there were people that looked out for your best interests even when you aren't around. If every suggestion was met with open ears and an open mind. Think how much more you could accomplish.


 
All that and more is possible if you understand that your influence over others is always happening. Invest the effort to make every contact a positive one and the feedback will be tremendous.


 
Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears
Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association
at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO
www.COSKarate.com

Take Control Lesson 4: How do you handle change?

Lesson 4

There are changes in your life that will occur as the result of age, injury or disease and the effects of these changes can range from trivial to quite pronounced.

But how you respond to these changes will have a far greater impact on the quality of your life than the changes themselves.

 

It is the rare person that can go through life without injury or disease and we all know how getting older can slow down the body. These things are unavoidable. You can wish that they didn't happen but you'll have better luck standing in the front yard wishing it would rain gumdrops.

 

When you are faced with a change due to age, disease or injury, you have two choices – you can focus on the things you can't do quite the same any more or you can focus on how to do the things you can. In most cases, there are ways to overcome limitations if you look hard enough.

 

The most important thing to remember is that "stepping up" beats "giving up" every time. When you live your life the very best that you can – with the body that you have – you will have a far richer life than you would if you sat dreaming about what might have been.

 

Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears
Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association
at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO
www.COSKarate.com

Take Control: Lesson 3

Lesson 3

Other people can influence the events in your life

but how you respond to those events is entirely up to you.

 
You can travel the world and you will not find anyone that can control your thoughts. On the other hand, it is not hard to find people that can cause difficulties, present problems, be uncooperative or just plain rude. It is human nature to respond to rudeness with rudeness and anger with anger. But there is a key concept that will help you respond differently:

 

"It is almost never about you"

 
When someone behaves poorly in your presence and you get caught up in it, it is usually about something else… something that has nothing to do with you. By and large, people don't act poorly because of a deliberate choice. They are so caught up in their own problems that they don't consider how they are affecting others.


  You don't know what all is happening in that person's life. Do they have a sick family member? Did their spouse lose their job? Are they worried about bills they can't pay? Did they spill orange juice on their favorite shirt at breakfast, have a flat tire on the way to work and run into a curb as they pulled into the parking lot? Are they insecure and unhappy in their own lives? If they are curt, uncooperative or rude with you, it isn't about you. But if you respond in kind… all of a sudden it will be all about you. In that person's mind, you'll become the straw that broke the camel's back. Things will just get worse.

 
And if that happens, you'll simmer and seethe all day long. You'll mutter under your breath, talk dirt about that other person and go home griping about them. And when that happens, that person controlled your entire day, without even trying!

 
It is hard to do but you have to meet anger with tolerance and rudeness with patience. Ignore the other person's behavior and focus on making sure that your behavior is something you can be proud of. When you learn to do that, you will no longer be giving control of your life to the first rude person you meet each day.

Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears
Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association
at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO
www.COSKarate.com

Take Control: Lesson 2

Lesson 2

Your attitude comes from your words not vice-versa.
Don't speak negatively unless you want to become negative.

 
There's an old saying that goes something like this:
 
Thought becomes word.
Word becomes action.
Action becomes habit.
And habit becomes character.

 
Too many people have developed bad habits when it comes to word choice. Ask the typical person how they are doing and you'll probably get a response like "Ohh... okay". Ask them about plans for the weekend and they say "Well… it will probably rain." Ask them how they enjoyed winning the Lotto and they'll complain about having to pay taxes on it!

 
Complaining may be a more addictive drug than nicotine or alcohol. If you smoke a cigarette or drink a beer, your body will process those chemicals and start the healing process immediately. But when you complain, your mind latches onto that thought, gives it a place to grow, nurtures it and builds an entire personality around it.

 
If you want control over your own life, start with your words. If someone asks how you doing, try one of the following answers:


    "Super good and getting better!"
    "If I was any better, I'd have to buy a bigger smile"
    "Fantastic but I'll improve"

 
Try it. Bring a smile to someone else's face and see how good your day will be. Or come up with one of your own if you don't want to use these. The point is to make sure your mouth constantly tells your mind how good your life is. And when you say it enough, you'll learn to focus on the happiness and disregard the minor hurdles.

 
Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears
Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association
at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO
www.COSKarate.com

Take Control: Lesson 1

Lesson 1

The things that we say we "have to do" are actually things that we "choose to do" because we enjoy the benefits that doing them brings to our lives.

  Much of the stress we feel in our lives is self-imposed and comes from a bad verbal habit almost everyone suffers from. The phrase "I have to…" passes our lips so often that we don't realize the message it sends to our subconscious. Every time you say "I have to", your brain hears "someone else is making me". And if someone is making you do it, then clearly it must be bad and is not under your control. Sending this message to your subconscious many times a day eventually affects the way you view your role in your own life. So the first step is to break that programming.
 
You can change your subconscious programming by changing the inputs. For all the have-to's in your life, take a moment to rephrase them with "I choose" and finish the sentence by describing the benefit(s) that action brings.
 
I choose to go grocery shopping because ___________.
I choose to go to work because _______________.
I choose to go to the dentist because ______________.
I choose to walk the dogs because ______________.
 
Maybe you have examples from your own life that you want to use. Go ahead. Take the time to think about your have to's and realize that the benefits of each outweighs the cost of not doing them. Then stop telling yourself that someone else is making you do these things. The choice is yours and always has been under your control. 


Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears

Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association

at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO

www.COSKarate.com

Is something standing in your way? Then fix it!

After I presented Take Control of Your Life in public for the first time, I was talking with a friend about it. He was interested in the six ways to lead a happier life but hadn't been able to attend the live session. As we were talking, he told me that he had recently made some changes in his life to accomplish some goals that are important to him.

What he told me was this - "I want to give myself the chance to meet more women and develop a long-term relationship. And I want to make sure I get in shape and healthy." After looking at the habits he had developed in his personal life, he realized that he spent a lot of time playing online role-playing games, like World of Warcraft. Those games can be a lot of fun but he realized that, in his case, it was an impediment to meeting new people. So he quit.

Now he says he is getting more done and feels like he can accomplish things that are more important to him.

He figured out what he wants, what he needs to do to get it and what was standing in his way. Then he took action. He strikes me as a pretty smart guy that knows ultimate control is in his own hands.

Take Control of Your Life: Six Ways to Lead a Happier Life

I can't teach you how to Get Rich in 30 Days, Buy Real Estate With No Money Down or Become More Attractive to the Opposite Sex. But I can share with you ways to set the foundation for gaining far greater rewards.
 
In these sessions, we'll discuss six key concepts that will put control of your life in your hands, where it belongs. These six concepts are simple to understand and free to implement. They are things you can start doing today and you will see results immediately.

 
Today's session is all about Getting Started. 


Getting Started – What Do Those Words Even Mean?

In order to Take Control of Your Life, you have to understand what that phrase means. Try this exercise: Say that phrase four times, putting the emphasis on each of the key words in turn:

Take Control of Your Life

First of all, understand that regaining control in your life is an active process. The verb "take" is not passive and you can't be either.

Take Control of Your Life

We aren't talking about taking notes about your life, taking stock of your life or observing your life. You can choose exactly how to lead your own life. 

Take Control of Your Life

This isn't about controlling the lives of others. You will learn to recognize the infinite control you have over your own happiness and that you cannot control others any more than they can control you.

 
Take Control of Your Life

A complete person knows how to balance personal relationships, professional obligations, long-term goals, recreational activities and their mental and physical health. You have to balance the whole package to truly feel in control of your life.


Senior Head Instructor Brad Mears

Universal Kempo Karate Schools Association

at Frontier Elementary in Colorado Springs, CO

www.COSKarate.com