Don't be comfortable with your anger

Sometimes I run across quotes that strike a chord with me and make me want to share them with others.  I wish I could say that these quotes all came from the great thinkers of our world.  The fact is I watch my share of junk television but sometimes even TV has a gem of wisdom hidden in there.

"When one has been angry for a very long time, it becomes comfortable, like old leather and it becomes difficult to feel any other way."   -- Jean Luc Picard

Okay, so the captain of the Enterprise doesn't have the same intellectual reputation as Aristotle but the point he made is a good one.  Too often, I see people that have gotten so accustomed to their anger that they don't realize the harm it does them.

Maybe they are angry at their spouse or their boss or their brother or sister or Democrats or Republicans or gays or Wall Street or Muslims or …  The list goes on and on.  If left alone, most people would come to grips with whatever angers them and eventually the anger would subside.  But usually, they find someone to help stir it up.  Maybe it is a coworker they share lunch with while complaining about the boss.  Or maybe a friend that is also going through a divorce so they swap horror stories about their ex-spouses.  Or maybe a radio/television host that rants on and on about something every day.  The point is that there is someone else that helps nurture and feed their anger.  As a result, the anger doesn't subside.  It stays around and is always quick to surface.

There are two old sayings that give us a warning about letting this happen: "Thought becomes word, word becomes action, action becomes habit and habit becomes character" and "We become what we think about most of the time".

When someone falls in the habit of re-visiting the things that bother them, it is just like any other habit.  The more they do it, the easier it becomes and the harder it is to quit.  Pretty soon, they don't know how to go about a normal day without thinking about the thing that bothers them.  At that point, the anger has become part of that person's character. 

Odds are, you have fallen into this trap at least once in your life.  Maybe you got over it eventually, maybe not.  The thing to remember though is that the title of this blog is "Control of your life is in your hands".  If you ever find yourself focusing on a negative situation or person too much, the first step is to recognize that you are doing it.  Only then can you shake your head, tell yourself to stop it and focus on something else.  If you can do that, then you have taken a step in regaining control of your own life and happiness.

Goal Setting as the Key to Success

Do you want more self-discipline?  Write down a goal, no matter how simple and then do it.  Repeat.

Over 100 years ago, a man named Orison Marden wrote the best-selling self-help book of his day. "Pushing to the Front" was a huge success and industry tycoons like Henry Ford praised it.   In it, the author said that to be successful, two things matter above all else.  "Get-To-It-iveness" and "Stick-To-It-iveness".  This is pretty obviously good advice and is a good springboard to talk about goal setting.

No matter what your definition of success, your happiness at work is part of it.  Whether you want to be a high powered executive or just keep food on the table and spend quality time with your family, then the solution is the same.  You have to be successful at work.  That doesn't mean you have to be a mover and shaker.  It means that you have to do your job as well as you can.  Even if all you want to do is to show up and work for 8 hours, then make those 8 hours the most productive hours possible.  How can you do that?

• Know what is expected of you.  Keep a task list and make sure you are working on those items.
• Set dates for yourself and complete those tasks by your dates.
• Add things to your list that your boss doesn't expect
• Get to it
• Stick to it

No-one wants to work at a job they don't like.  And almost everyone wants to do a job well and be recognized for their effort.  If you want to like your job, follow the simple steps above every day.  The sense of accomplishment you get from being productive and pleasing others will make your job more enjoyable.  Along with that will come the rewards that make it worthwhile, in the form of recognition, security,  pay raises and increased opportunities.

The other side-effect is that  when you go home at night, you can put work out of your mind.  You know for a fact that you worked on the most important tasks and stayed focused all day long.  No-one can ask more of you than that. 

No matter what you want out of your job, follow these steps and you will enjoy it more and be more successful at it.  And then you can devote more time and energy to your personal life.  That will put you in the driver's seat of your life.

(Part Two of )Are the shades open or shut?

In part 1 of this article, I told a story from my youth about how I learned the importance of keeping the shades open.  The literal interpretation of that story is all about your physical surroundings and how a positive environment can affect your attitude and even your health.  But there is a metaphorical side to that story that is just as important.

The well-lit hospital room in that story was a metaphor for your life.  Is it one filled with friendship, positive experiences and happiness?  Or have you surrounded yourself with situations and people that make your life feel like the shades are down?

One of my instructors in the martial arts taught me "Surround yourself with smart people and you become smart.  Surround yourself with nice people and you become nice.  Surround yourself with happy people and you become happy."

The easy way to end this article is for me to say something like "Start spending more time with the positive folks in your life and less time with the negative ones."  Sure, that's good advice and will help you develop more control over your own happiness but I'm going to go a different route...

If the people you see each day were to take stock of the folks in *their* life, which group would *you* end up in?  Would you be grouped with the smart, nice, happy ones?  Or would you be in the group that they want to minimize contact with? 

Are you comfortable with the answer to that question?

I suspect most of us are not 100% in one group or the other.  With some people, you are "good folk".  But with some, maybe you've developed behaviors that make you come across as difficult, negative or unhappy. 

Asking and answering questions like this about yourself is never easy.  And acting on those answers is even harder.

Leadership without authority is the best kind

There is a management axiom that says you can't have responsibility without authority and vice-versa. I agree completely with that sentiment so don't start thinking the title of this article is contradicting that time-tested idea. Instead, I'm pushing a slightly different idea - You can learn to show leadership skills in your own life without the benefit of authority. That is, despite a lack of title or position, you can learn to influence others in positive ways.

One of the core themes for this blog is how to take control of your own life. And one of the tools that I push for accomplishing that goal is leadership training. The idea is that by learning how to become a leader in your personal life, you'll feel more in control and less stress. That doesn't mean you have to be a CEO to be happy, Instead, it means that by learning how to influence others in a positive way, you'll develop stronger relationships with them and accomplish more things that make you and them happy. It doesn't matter whether you are trying to complete a team project at work or school or getting some friends involved in a bowling league - leadership skills are a key to success.

Those ideas in the prior paragraph may seem obvious to you but a lot of people think that leadership training is only for bosses. I've even heard people say that they aren't a manager and never will be, so they don't need to learn anything about leadership.

I'll try to address this sentiment in the most polite way possible… rubbish!

True leadership isn't about telling people to do things. Yes, sometimes that is required of someone in authority. But more often, a leader needs to communicate a goal and convince others to hop on board to try to achieve it. Getting people to work toward a common goal when they aren't being ordered to do so is true leadership.

Can you benefit from this idea?  Do you have a spouse, kids, coworkers or friends? Then you need to understand how to behave as an effective leader. And if you don't have any of those people in your life, well… trying something different sure couldn't make things worse, could it?

Fortunately, there are a ton of resources available on the subject - books, audios and seminars beyond count. All these are a good start. But it is also important to find a mentor that can help you understand the value of acting as a leader in your own life. For me, that began with my martial arts instructors. They opened my eyes to the idea that everyone can be a leader. With what I learned from them, the books and audios started to make more sense. I was able to start applying the lessons they contained.

Go find someone in your life whose opinion you value and ask them about their views on leadership. Then start reading and listening to audio books. Look for opportunities to influence others without relying on authority.

What you'll find is a bit startling to some folks . You'll influence others most when you focus on helping them solve their own problems. I guarantee you this - people will think the world of you if you help make their world a little bit better. And once that happens, your opportunity for influence will increase dramatically. This influence is called leadership and you earned it. That's the best way.