Don't be comfortable with your anger

Sometimes I run across quotes that strike a chord with me and make me want to share them with others.  I wish I could say that these quotes all came from the great thinkers of our world.  The fact is I watch my share of junk television but sometimes even TV has a gem of wisdom hidden in there.

"When one has been angry for a very long time, it becomes comfortable, like old leather and it becomes difficult to feel any other way."   -- Jean Luc Picard

Okay, so the captain of the Enterprise doesn't have the same intellectual reputation as Aristotle but the point he made is a good one.  Too often, I see people that have gotten so accustomed to their anger that they don't realize the harm it does them.

Maybe they are angry at their spouse or their boss or their brother or sister or Democrats or Republicans or gays or Wall Street or Muslims or …  The list goes on and on.  If left alone, most people would come to grips with whatever angers them and eventually the anger would subside.  But usually, they find someone to help stir it up.  Maybe it is a coworker they share lunch with while complaining about the boss.  Or maybe a friend that is also going through a divorce so they swap horror stories about their ex-spouses.  Or maybe a radio/television host that rants on and on about something every day.  The point is that there is someone else that helps nurture and feed their anger.  As a result, the anger doesn't subside.  It stays around and is always quick to surface.

There are two old sayings that give us a warning about letting this happen: "Thought becomes word, word becomes action, action becomes habit and habit becomes character" and "We become what we think about most of the time".

When someone falls in the habit of re-visiting the things that bother them, it is just like any other habit.  The more they do it, the easier it becomes and the harder it is to quit.  Pretty soon, they don't know how to go about a normal day without thinking about the thing that bothers them.  At that point, the anger has become part of that person's character. 

Odds are, you have fallen into this trap at least once in your life.  Maybe you got over it eventually, maybe not.  The thing to remember though is that the title of this blog is "Control of your life is in your hands".  If you ever find yourself focusing on a negative situation or person too much, the first step is to recognize that you are doing it.  Only then can you shake your head, tell yourself to stop it and focus on something else.  If you can do that, then you have taken a step in regaining control of your own life and happiness.

Trust the one that does you right

This is a story about loyalty and trust. 

Several years ago, I was in the unpleasant position of having to find an oncologist.  It wasn't a spot I wanted to be in and I had no idea how to choose the right one.   The surgeon that operated on me recommended a guy but I didn't have any idea whether he was a good choice or not.  Was he a quack?  Did he spend more time on the golf course than the office?  These were pretty important questions to me.  Then I found the answer…

A few weeks after my main surgery, I had a smaller follow-up surgery.   This was an out-patient procedure so I was back home that night.  The next day, I woke up with the mother of all stiff necks!  I thought I had just slept on it wrong and it would work itself out so I went on with my round of medical appointments for the day.  I had to see a couple of other doctors in the morning and then I had my first meeting with the oncologist in the afternoon. 

When Dr. Murphy walked in, I stood up to shake hands and he took one look at me and said "You aren't moving too well".  I told him about the stiff neck, not thinking much about it.  Fortunately, he did.  He sent me for an ultrasound and it turned out that I had blood clots in my arm, neck and lungs.  There's a lot of danger with clots like that but they started me on blood thinners that day and everything worked out okay.

But here's the thing that stuck in my mind - Between the various nurses and doctors, he was at least the fifth medical professional to deal with me that day.  The others didn't notice anything amiss but with just one look, he knew I had a problem that needed treatment.  Had those clots gone untreated another day, things could have taken a real turn for the worse.

After that, I never questioned whether he was the right guy to treat me.  When someone does right by you, that's the person you stick with.  

Look at the people in your life.  Who was there when you really needed help?  Who hit one out of the park for you?  Keep those people close and overlook any small things they do that bother you.  Everybody has their quirks but not everybody has your back.

Fighting an army of your own making

"I've had thousands of problems, most of which never happened"
                                                          -- Mark Twain
                   
I love this quote because it reminds me to not spend time looking for trouble. 

Think back to the last time you had a difficult conversation with someone .  Not one that caught you by surprise but one that you knew was coming hours or even days in advance.  Perhaps it was with a family member, coworker or neighbor.  If you are like most people, you thought about this conversation before-hand and played it out in your mind a dozen different ways.  You came up with all the clever things you would say to put the other person in their place and ensure that They Knew You Were Right. 

Go ahead and admit it… you've done this before, haven't you?

The problem with writing the dialog before the other guy shows up is that you are programming yourself for conflict.  By focusing on the negative ways the conversation can go, you are doing everything you can to ensure it goes exactly that way.

Now, I'm all for prior planning and anticipating objections.  Airline pilots and astronauts are masters of this skill.  They spend countless hours identifying problems that can occur and practicing the correct response to each type of problem.  This way, they have the right response in mind should something happen.

Good salespeople do the same thing.  They know the most common objections that a customer may raise and have prepared responses to address those concerns.  Teachers know the types of problems students have and how to help them overcome those problems.  Broadway directors know things that may go wrong during a show and how to respond so that the show can go on.

But there is a difference between preparing a response to a specific objection/problem and daydreaming of ways to put the other person in their place.  The first is a productive use of your time and the second isn't.  Not only is it not productive, it is time that you could have spent coming up with meaningful, constructive ways to address the issue at hand.  So the next time you find yourself daydreaming about an upcoming verbal duel, stop yourself.  Don't do it.

Remember what Mark Twain said and don't create problems that aren't there.

(Part Two of )Are the shades open or shut?

In part 1 of this article, I told a story from my youth about how I learned the importance of keeping the shades open.  The literal interpretation of that story is all about your physical surroundings and how a positive environment can affect your attitude and even your health.  But there is a metaphorical side to that story that is just as important.

The well-lit hospital room in that story was a metaphor for your life.  Is it one filled with friendship, positive experiences and happiness?  Or have you surrounded yourself with situations and people that make your life feel like the shades are down?

One of my instructors in the martial arts taught me "Surround yourself with smart people and you become smart.  Surround yourself with nice people and you become nice.  Surround yourself with happy people and you become happy."

The easy way to end this article is for me to say something like "Start spending more time with the positive folks in your life and less time with the negative ones."  Sure, that's good advice and will help you develop more control over your own happiness but I'm going to go a different route...

If the people you see each day were to take stock of the folks in *their* life, which group would *you* end up in?  Would you be grouped with the smart, nice, happy ones?  Or would you be in the group that they want to minimize contact with? 

Are you comfortable with the answer to that question?

I suspect most of us are not 100% in one group or the other.  With some people, you are "good folk".  But with some, maybe you've developed behaviors that make you come across as difficult, negative or unhappy. 

Asking and answering questions like this about yourself is never easy.  And acting on those answers is even harder.

Are the shades open or shut?

Back in the late 1970s, I was working at a small hospital in Groves, Texas doing yard work. On most days after school, I could be found outside mowing grass, picking up trash or doing small repairs. But some days I got to go inside and change the filters in the air conditioners in the patient rooms. This was one of my more pleasant duties since it was inside out of the heat. The job was pretty simple – just go to each room, pop the cover off the front of the air conditioner, take out the old filter and stick in a new one.

As I went from room to room, I started to see a pattern. Some of the patients would be sitting up, talking to visitors, watching television or reading a book. Other patients would be flat on their backs, or curled up in a fetal position obviously not feeling well. Sometimes they would be whimpering in pain or crying.

Almost without fail, the ones that were sitting up and talking would have their window shades open and the lights on in the room. The ones that were feeling poorly would have the shades shut and the lights off. As a result, their rooms were dark and gloomy while the other rooms were light and airy.

Did the one group have the shades up because they felt well? Or did they feel well because they had the shades up? I can’t answer that question scientifically but I sure can tell you what thought stuck in my teenage mind. To me, locking yourself in a dark room made you feel bad.

Since then, I’ve had to go in the hospital a couple of times and I made sure that the shades were up whenever possible.

How do you live your life? Are the shades open or shut?