Don't be comfortable with your anger

Sometimes I run across quotes that strike a chord with me and make me want to share them with others.  I wish I could say that these quotes all came from the great thinkers of our world.  The fact is I watch my share of junk television but sometimes even TV has a gem of wisdom hidden in there.

"When one has been angry for a very long time, it becomes comfortable, like old leather and it becomes difficult to feel any other way."   -- Jean Luc Picard

Okay, so the captain of the Enterprise doesn't have the same intellectual reputation as Aristotle but the point he made is a good one.  Too often, I see people that have gotten so accustomed to their anger that they don't realize the harm it does them.

Maybe they are angry at their spouse or their boss or their brother or sister or Democrats or Republicans or gays or Wall Street or Muslims or …  The list goes on and on.  If left alone, most people would come to grips with whatever angers them and eventually the anger would subside.  But usually, they find someone to help stir it up.  Maybe it is a coworker they share lunch with while complaining about the boss.  Or maybe a friend that is also going through a divorce so they swap horror stories about their ex-spouses.  Or maybe a radio/television host that rants on and on about something every day.  The point is that there is someone else that helps nurture and feed their anger.  As a result, the anger doesn't subside.  It stays around and is always quick to surface.

There are two old sayings that give us a warning about letting this happen: "Thought becomes word, word becomes action, action becomes habit and habit becomes character" and "We become what we think about most of the time".

When someone falls in the habit of re-visiting the things that bother them, it is just like any other habit.  The more they do it, the easier it becomes and the harder it is to quit.  Pretty soon, they don't know how to go about a normal day without thinking about the thing that bothers them.  At that point, the anger has become part of that person's character. 

Odds are, you have fallen into this trap at least once in your life.  Maybe you got over it eventually, maybe not.  The thing to remember though is that the title of this blog is "Control of your life is in your hands".  If you ever find yourself focusing on a negative situation or person too much, the first step is to recognize that you are doing it.  Only then can you shake your head, tell yourself to stop it and focus on something else.  If you can do that, then you have taken a step in regaining control of your own life and happiness.

Fighting an army of your own making

"I've had thousands of problems, most of which never happened"
                                                          -- Mark Twain
                   
I love this quote because it reminds me to not spend time looking for trouble. 

Think back to the last time you had a difficult conversation with someone .  Not one that caught you by surprise but one that you knew was coming hours or even days in advance.  Perhaps it was with a family member, coworker or neighbor.  If you are like most people, you thought about this conversation before-hand and played it out in your mind a dozen different ways.  You came up with all the clever things you would say to put the other person in their place and ensure that They Knew You Were Right. 

Go ahead and admit it… you've done this before, haven't you?

The problem with writing the dialog before the other guy shows up is that you are programming yourself for conflict.  By focusing on the negative ways the conversation can go, you are doing everything you can to ensure it goes exactly that way.

Now, I'm all for prior planning and anticipating objections.  Airline pilots and astronauts are masters of this skill.  They spend countless hours identifying problems that can occur and practicing the correct response to each type of problem.  This way, they have the right response in mind should something happen.

Good salespeople do the same thing.  They know the most common objections that a customer may raise and have prepared responses to address those concerns.  Teachers know the types of problems students have and how to help them overcome those problems.  Broadway directors know things that may go wrong during a show and how to respond so that the show can go on.

But there is a difference between preparing a response to a specific objection/problem and daydreaming of ways to put the other person in their place.  The first is a productive use of your time and the second isn't.  Not only is it not productive, it is time that you could have spent coming up with meaningful, constructive ways to address the issue at hand.  So the next time you find yourself daydreaming about an upcoming verbal duel, stop yourself.  Don't do it.

Remember what Mark Twain said and don't create problems that aren't there.

(Part Two of )Are the shades open or shut?

In part 1 of this article, I told a story from my youth about how I learned the importance of keeping the shades open.  The literal interpretation of that story is all about your physical surroundings and how a positive environment can affect your attitude and even your health.  But there is a metaphorical side to that story that is just as important.

The well-lit hospital room in that story was a metaphor for your life.  Is it one filled with friendship, positive experiences and happiness?  Or have you surrounded yourself with situations and people that make your life feel like the shades are down?

One of my instructors in the martial arts taught me "Surround yourself with smart people and you become smart.  Surround yourself with nice people and you become nice.  Surround yourself with happy people and you become happy."

The easy way to end this article is for me to say something like "Start spending more time with the positive folks in your life and less time with the negative ones."  Sure, that's good advice and will help you develop more control over your own happiness but I'm going to go a different route...

If the people you see each day were to take stock of the folks in *their* life, which group would *you* end up in?  Would you be grouped with the smart, nice, happy ones?  Or would you be in the group that they want to minimize contact with? 

Are you comfortable with the answer to that question?

I suspect most of us are not 100% in one group or the other.  With some people, you are "good folk".  But with some, maybe you've developed behaviors that make you come across as difficult, negative or unhappy. 

Asking and answering questions like this about yourself is never easy.  And acting on those answers is even harder.

Are the shades open or shut?

Back in the late 1970s, I was working at a small hospital in Groves, Texas doing yard work. On most days after school, I could be found outside mowing grass, picking up trash or doing small repairs. But some days I got to go inside and change the filters in the air conditioners in the patient rooms. This was one of my more pleasant duties since it was inside out of the heat. The job was pretty simple – just go to each room, pop the cover off the front of the air conditioner, take out the old filter and stick in a new one.

As I went from room to room, I started to see a pattern. Some of the patients would be sitting up, talking to visitors, watching television or reading a book. Other patients would be flat on their backs, or curled up in a fetal position obviously not feeling well. Sometimes they would be whimpering in pain or crying.

Almost without fail, the ones that were sitting up and talking would have their window shades open and the lights on in the room. The ones that were feeling poorly would have the shades shut and the lights off. As a result, their rooms were dark and gloomy while the other rooms were light and airy.

Did the one group have the shades up because they felt well? Or did they feel well because they had the shades up? I can’t answer that question scientifically but I sure can tell you what thought stuck in my teenage mind. To me, locking yourself in a dark room made you feel bad.

Since then, I’ve had to go in the hospital a couple of times and I made sure that the shades were up whenever possible.

How do you live your life? Are the shades open or shut?

They are people, not resources

The door to the boardroom opens and the CEO walks confidently up to the podium.  In an effort to show how in-touch he is with the latest management philosophies, he proudly announces to all the shareholders...

"Here at XYZ Corp, resources are our most important asset."

Down the hall, in a training class for new managers, the students are solemnly instructed to...

"Take care of your resources and they will take care of you."

And on the motivational poster in the hallway, future leaders are reminded that...

"One measure of leadership is the caliber of resources who choose to follow you."

Yes, these misquotes are silly but think about how often you hear statements like

"Hey Bob, is Steve available?  I need to add a resource to my project."

"We want to grow the organization by 15 resources this year."

"Sales were bad this quarter so we need to downsize 5 resources."

When did we stop calling people "people" and start calling them "resources"?  When did the "Personnel Department" become the "Human Resources Department"?

There is a very real cost associated with referring to employees and co-workers as "resources" instead of "people".  It is the dehumanization of all employees.  The underlying message is that the people in the organization are literally resources - just like the chairs, desks, computers and copiers.  The results manifest themselves in the subtle, unpleasant ways that we have come to accept as the norm in today's corporate world. 

As one of my mentors taught me, the words you use drive your thoughts and your actions.  I don't believe it is possible to call people "resources" on a daily basis and still treat them with the respect they deserve.  But you know what, I've been wrong before and I may be wrong now.  So here is a challenge for you - prove me wrong.

Identify a true leader in our society that habitually refers to people on his or her staff as resources.  Tell me about this person and how they embody all the traits of a true leader:
§ They empower their resources to take the initiative
§ They demonstrate a deep desire to help their resources grow
§ They communicate a clear vision to the resources and enlist their willing help to achieve it
§ They stand up for their resources in times of trouble

Write me a note and tell me all about this "leader of resources".  But I bet you can't.  Because only managers deal with resources.  A leader deals with people.

A Friend I Barely Knew

I attended a funeral today for a man I had only met a few times. Even though he probably wouldn't have recognized me had he passed me on the street, Ken Obertubbesing made a significant impact on my life. You see, he and I were diagnosed with colon cancer at roughly the same time. When we met for the first time, he was in the middle of his chemo treatments and I had not yet started mine. As we talked about our shared circumstance, I was struck by his upbeat attitude and positive spirit.

As our daughters went through high school together, Ken and I ran into each other from time to time. We would exchange a quick word of encouragement for each other and then months would pass before I would see him again. I tried to keep up with his situation through my daughter but after she graduated high school, the updates came less frequently.

Last week I heard the news that he succumbed to the colon cancer. He and I had both just passed our five year marks. Unfortunately, his battle took a different turn than mine.

I can't tell you what Ken did in his free time, what his favorite food was or almost anything else about him. However, I can tell you that his upbeat spirit was contagious and helped me stay positive during my own treatments. So I count him as a friend I barely knew.

Thank you Ken.