Don't be comfortable with your anger

Sometimes I run across quotes that strike a chord with me and make me want to share them with others.  I wish I could say that these quotes all came from the great thinkers of our world.  The fact is I watch my share of junk television but sometimes even TV has a gem of wisdom hidden in there.

"When one has been angry for a very long time, it becomes comfortable, like old leather and it becomes difficult to feel any other way."   -- Jean Luc Picard

Okay, so the captain of the Enterprise doesn't have the same intellectual reputation as Aristotle but the point he made is a good one.  Too often, I see people that have gotten so accustomed to their anger that they don't realize the harm it does them.

Maybe they are angry at their spouse or their boss or their brother or sister or Democrats or Republicans or gays or Wall Street or Muslims or …  The list goes on and on.  If left alone, most people would come to grips with whatever angers them and eventually the anger would subside.  But usually, they find someone to help stir it up.  Maybe it is a coworker they share lunch with while complaining about the boss.  Or maybe a friend that is also going through a divorce so they swap horror stories about their ex-spouses.  Or maybe a radio/television host that rants on and on about something every day.  The point is that there is someone else that helps nurture and feed their anger.  As a result, the anger doesn't subside.  It stays around and is always quick to surface.

There are two old sayings that give us a warning about letting this happen: "Thought becomes word, word becomes action, action becomes habit and habit becomes character" and "We become what we think about most of the time".

When someone falls in the habit of re-visiting the things that bother them, it is just like any other habit.  The more they do it, the easier it becomes and the harder it is to quit.  Pretty soon, they don't know how to go about a normal day without thinking about the thing that bothers them.  At that point, the anger has become part of that person's character. 

Odds are, you have fallen into this trap at least once in your life.  Maybe you got over it eventually, maybe not.  The thing to remember though is that the title of this blog is "Control of your life is in your hands".  If you ever find yourself focusing on a negative situation or person too much, the first step is to recognize that you are doing it.  Only then can you shake your head, tell yourself to stop it and focus on something else.  If you can do that, then you have taken a step in regaining control of your own life and happiness.

Trust the one that does you right

This is a story about loyalty and trust. 

Several years ago, I was in the unpleasant position of having to find an oncologist.  It wasn't a spot I wanted to be in and I had no idea how to choose the right one.   The surgeon that operated on me recommended a guy but I didn't have any idea whether he was a good choice or not.  Was he a quack?  Did he spend more time on the golf course than the office?  These were pretty important questions to me.  Then I found the answer…

A few weeks after my main surgery, I had a smaller follow-up surgery.   This was an out-patient procedure so I was back home that night.  The next day, I woke up with the mother of all stiff necks!  I thought I had just slept on it wrong and it would work itself out so I went on with my round of medical appointments for the day.  I had to see a couple of other doctors in the morning and then I had my first meeting with the oncologist in the afternoon. 

When Dr. Murphy walked in, I stood up to shake hands and he took one look at me and said "You aren't moving too well".  I told him about the stiff neck, not thinking much about it.  Fortunately, he did.  He sent me for an ultrasound and it turned out that I had blood clots in my arm, neck and lungs.  There's a lot of danger with clots like that but they started me on blood thinners that day and everything worked out okay.

But here's the thing that stuck in my mind - Between the various nurses and doctors, he was at least the fifth medical professional to deal with me that day.  The others didn't notice anything amiss but with just one look, he knew I had a problem that needed treatment.  Had those clots gone untreated another day, things could have taken a real turn for the worse.

After that, I never questioned whether he was the right guy to treat me.  When someone does right by you, that's the person you stick with.  

Look at the people in your life.  Who was there when you really needed help?  Who hit one out of the park for you?  Keep those people close and overlook any small things they do that bother you.  Everybody has their quirks but not everybody has your back.

Two sides? To every story? Nah...

Back in 1978, I was a teenager living in Groves, Texas.  I had an after school job at a small local hospital doing yard-work and minor repairs.  That year, our town got hit by a minor hurricane.  Not real bad damage but there was significant flooding.  In parts of town, the water was 2 – 3 feet high.  As a result, a lot of the hospital staff was unable to get to work because their cars couldn’t make it through the water.

To everyone's surprise, the hospital's no-frills Chevy pickup was able to get through the deep water pretty well.  So my boss and I traded shifts driving staff members to and from work.  You can imagine that I thought this was pretty cool.  I got to drive around town when everybody else was stuck at home and take the nurses to and from work.  Pretty exciting stuff for a teenage boy…

At one point, I was driving down a major street trying to navigate some pretty deep water.  Because of the deep water I had to maintain a good forward speed.  If I slowed down too much, the water would get too far in the tailpipe and the engine would die.  Then all of a sudden I heard someone yell out “You better slow down or I’ll put you in the [blanking] hospital!”  I looked around and realized he was yelling at me! 

The businesses lining the street were battling the encroaching water and many of them had sandbags piled up to keep the floodwater out of their stores.  It was the owner of a local appliance store that was so angry at me.  It turns out that I was kicking up a pretty good wake and that the water was coming in over the sandbags.  He was doing his best to save his store and here I was making things worse for him!

Later on, I realized this was an example of how there are two sides to every story and, in some cases, both sides are right.  I was out there doing a good deed - the hospital employees needed to get to work in order to take care of patients.  But he was right – I was causing him even more damage than he had already suffered.

Just because you are right doesn't mean the other guy is wrong.

Fighting an army of your own making

"I've had thousands of problems, most of which never happened"
                                                          -- Mark Twain
                   
I love this quote because it reminds me to not spend time looking for trouble. 

Think back to the last time you had a difficult conversation with someone .  Not one that caught you by surprise but one that you knew was coming hours or even days in advance.  Perhaps it was with a family member, coworker or neighbor.  If you are like most people, you thought about this conversation before-hand and played it out in your mind a dozen different ways.  You came up with all the clever things you would say to put the other person in their place and ensure that They Knew You Were Right. 

Go ahead and admit it… you've done this before, haven't you?

The problem with writing the dialog before the other guy shows up is that you are programming yourself for conflict.  By focusing on the negative ways the conversation can go, you are doing everything you can to ensure it goes exactly that way.

Now, I'm all for prior planning and anticipating objections.  Airline pilots and astronauts are masters of this skill.  They spend countless hours identifying problems that can occur and practicing the correct response to each type of problem.  This way, they have the right response in mind should something happen.

Good salespeople do the same thing.  They know the most common objections that a customer may raise and have prepared responses to address those concerns.  Teachers know the types of problems students have and how to help them overcome those problems.  Broadway directors know things that may go wrong during a show and how to respond so that the show can go on.

But there is a difference between preparing a response to a specific objection/problem and daydreaming of ways to put the other person in their place.  The first is a productive use of your time and the second isn't.  Not only is it not productive, it is time that you could have spent coming up with meaningful, constructive ways to address the issue at hand.  So the next time you find yourself daydreaming about an upcoming verbal duel, stop yourself.  Don't do it.

Remember what Mark Twain said and don't create problems that aren't there.

Goal Setting as the Key to Success

Do you want more self-discipline?  Write down a goal, no matter how simple and then do it.  Repeat.

Over 100 years ago, a man named Orison Marden wrote the best-selling self-help book of his day. "Pushing to the Front" was a huge success and industry tycoons like Henry Ford praised it.   In it, the author said that to be successful, two things matter above all else.  "Get-To-It-iveness" and "Stick-To-It-iveness".  This is pretty obviously good advice and is a good springboard to talk about goal setting.

No matter what your definition of success, your happiness at work is part of it.  Whether you want to be a high powered executive or just keep food on the table and spend quality time with your family, then the solution is the same.  You have to be successful at work.  That doesn't mean you have to be a mover and shaker.  It means that you have to do your job as well as you can.  Even if all you want to do is to show up and work for 8 hours, then make those 8 hours the most productive hours possible.  How can you do that?

• Know what is expected of you.  Keep a task list and make sure you are working on those items.
• Set dates for yourself and complete those tasks by your dates.
• Add things to your list that your boss doesn't expect
• Get to it
• Stick to it

No-one wants to work at a job they don't like.  And almost everyone wants to do a job well and be recognized for their effort.  If you want to like your job, follow the simple steps above every day.  The sense of accomplishment you get from being productive and pleasing others will make your job more enjoyable.  Along with that will come the rewards that make it worthwhile, in the form of recognition, security,  pay raises and increased opportunities.

The other side-effect is that  when you go home at night, you can put work out of your mind.  You know for a fact that you worked on the most important tasks and stayed focused all day long.  No-one can ask more of you than that. 

No matter what you want out of your job, follow these steps and you will enjoy it more and be more successful at it.  And then you can devote more time and energy to your personal life.  That will put you in the driver's seat of your life.

(Part Two of )Are the shades open or shut?

In part 1 of this article, I told a story from my youth about how I learned the importance of keeping the shades open.  The literal interpretation of that story is all about your physical surroundings and how a positive environment can affect your attitude and even your health.  But there is a metaphorical side to that story that is just as important.

The well-lit hospital room in that story was a metaphor for your life.  Is it one filled with friendship, positive experiences and happiness?  Or have you surrounded yourself with situations and people that make your life feel like the shades are down?

One of my instructors in the martial arts taught me "Surround yourself with smart people and you become smart.  Surround yourself with nice people and you become nice.  Surround yourself with happy people and you become happy."

The easy way to end this article is for me to say something like "Start spending more time with the positive folks in your life and less time with the negative ones."  Sure, that's good advice and will help you develop more control over your own happiness but I'm going to go a different route...

If the people you see each day were to take stock of the folks in *their* life, which group would *you* end up in?  Would you be grouped with the smart, nice, happy ones?  Or would you be in the group that they want to minimize contact with? 

Are you comfortable with the answer to that question?

I suspect most of us are not 100% in one group or the other.  With some people, you are "good folk".  But with some, maybe you've developed behaviors that make you come across as difficult, negative or unhappy. 

Asking and answering questions like this about yourself is never easy.  And acting on those answers is even harder.

Are the shades open or shut?

Back in the late 1970s, I was working at a small hospital in Groves, Texas doing yard work. On most days after school, I could be found outside mowing grass, picking up trash or doing small repairs. But some days I got to go inside and change the filters in the air conditioners in the patient rooms. This was one of my more pleasant duties since it was inside out of the heat. The job was pretty simple – just go to each room, pop the cover off the front of the air conditioner, take out the old filter and stick in a new one.

As I went from room to room, I started to see a pattern. Some of the patients would be sitting up, talking to visitors, watching television or reading a book. Other patients would be flat on their backs, or curled up in a fetal position obviously not feeling well. Sometimes they would be whimpering in pain or crying.

Almost without fail, the ones that were sitting up and talking would have their window shades open and the lights on in the room. The ones that were feeling poorly would have the shades shut and the lights off. As a result, their rooms were dark and gloomy while the other rooms were light and airy.

Did the one group have the shades up because they felt well? Or did they feel well because they had the shades up? I can’t answer that question scientifically but I sure can tell you what thought stuck in my teenage mind. To me, locking yourself in a dark room made you feel bad.

Since then, I’ve had to go in the hospital a couple of times and I made sure that the shades were up whenever possible.

How do you live your life? Are the shades open or shut?

A book you may like - Rudy Giuliani's LEADERSHIP

I just finished listening to Rudy Giuliani's book Leadership - unabridged on eleven CDs. I've heard him speak in person and thought he was interesting and entertaining and this book didn't disappoint. But this isn't a book review so I won't summarize or analyze. I'll just tell you why I recommend it.

Though the bulk of it dealt with lessons learned from 9/11, there was also plenty of material from his early days as a federal prosecutor. I learned quite a bit from his stories, not the least of which was the impact of 9/11 on the people of New York City. Obviously that day affected all Americans but I didn't have a complete sense for how it affected the people of NYC, both individually and as a group. His stories of the days immediately after 9/11 gave me a new appreciation for what they suffered. If not for any other reason, the book would be worthwhile.

On a personal level, it was interesting to hear about his experience with cancer. He was diagnosed while he was running for the Senate and eventually withdrew to focus on his health. Hard to argue with that decision.

Leadership without authority is the best kind

There is a management axiom that says you can't have responsibility without authority and vice-versa. I agree completely with that sentiment so don't start thinking the title of this article is contradicting that time-tested idea. Instead, I'm pushing a slightly different idea - You can learn to show leadership skills in your own life without the benefit of authority. That is, despite a lack of title or position, you can learn to influence others in positive ways.

One of the core themes for this blog is how to take control of your own life. And one of the tools that I push for accomplishing that goal is leadership training. The idea is that by learning how to become a leader in your personal life, you'll feel more in control and less stress. That doesn't mean you have to be a CEO to be happy, Instead, it means that by learning how to influence others in a positive way, you'll develop stronger relationships with them and accomplish more things that make you and them happy. It doesn't matter whether you are trying to complete a team project at work or school or getting some friends involved in a bowling league - leadership skills are a key to success.

Those ideas in the prior paragraph may seem obvious to you but a lot of people think that leadership training is only for bosses. I've even heard people say that they aren't a manager and never will be, so they don't need to learn anything about leadership.

I'll try to address this sentiment in the most polite way possible… rubbish!

True leadership isn't about telling people to do things. Yes, sometimes that is required of someone in authority. But more often, a leader needs to communicate a goal and convince others to hop on board to try to achieve it. Getting people to work toward a common goal when they aren't being ordered to do so is true leadership.

Can you benefit from this idea?  Do you have a spouse, kids, coworkers or friends? Then you need to understand how to behave as an effective leader. And if you don't have any of those people in your life, well… trying something different sure couldn't make things worse, could it?

Fortunately, there are a ton of resources available on the subject - books, audios and seminars beyond count. All these are a good start. But it is also important to find a mentor that can help you understand the value of acting as a leader in your own life. For me, that began with my martial arts instructors. They opened my eyes to the idea that everyone can be a leader. With what I learned from them, the books and audios started to make more sense. I was able to start applying the lessons they contained.

Go find someone in your life whose opinion you value and ask them about their views on leadership. Then start reading and listening to audio books. Look for opportunities to influence others without relying on authority.

What you'll find is a bit startling to some folks . You'll influence others most when you focus on helping them solve their own problems. I guarantee you this - people will think the world of you if you help make their world a little bit better. And once that happens, your opportunity for influence will increase dramatically. This influence is called leadership and you earned it. That's the best way.

They are people, not resources

The door to the boardroom opens and the CEO walks confidently up to the podium.  In an effort to show how in-touch he is with the latest management philosophies, he proudly announces to all the shareholders...

"Here at XYZ Corp, resources are our most important asset."

Down the hall, in a training class for new managers, the students are solemnly instructed to...

"Take care of your resources and they will take care of you."

And on the motivational poster in the hallway, future leaders are reminded that...

"One measure of leadership is the caliber of resources who choose to follow you."

Yes, these misquotes are silly but think about how often you hear statements like

"Hey Bob, is Steve available?  I need to add a resource to my project."

"We want to grow the organization by 15 resources this year."

"Sales were bad this quarter so we need to downsize 5 resources."

When did we stop calling people "people" and start calling them "resources"?  When did the "Personnel Department" become the "Human Resources Department"?

There is a very real cost associated with referring to employees and co-workers as "resources" instead of "people".  It is the dehumanization of all employees.  The underlying message is that the people in the organization are literally resources - just like the chairs, desks, computers and copiers.  The results manifest themselves in the subtle, unpleasant ways that we have come to accept as the norm in today's corporate world. 

As one of my mentors taught me, the words you use drive your thoughts and your actions.  I don't believe it is possible to call people "resources" on a daily basis and still treat them with the respect they deserve.  But you know what, I've been wrong before and I may be wrong now.  So here is a challenge for you - prove me wrong.

Identify a true leader in our society that habitually refers to people on his or her staff as resources.  Tell me about this person and how they embody all the traits of a true leader:
§ They empower their resources to take the initiative
§ They demonstrate a deep desire to help their resources grow
§ They communicate a clear vision to the resources and enlist their willing help to achieve it
§ They stand up for their resources in times of trouble

Write me a note and tell me all about this "leader of resources".  But I bet you can't.  Because only managers deal with resources.  A leader deals with people.