(Part Two of )Are the shades open or shut?

In part 1 of this article, I told a story from my youth about how I learned the importance of keeping the shades open.  The literal interpretation of that story is all about your physical surroundings and how a positive environment can affect your attitude and even your health.  But there is a metaphorical side to that story that is just as important.

The well-lit hospital room in that story was a metaphor for your life.  Is it one filled with friendship, positive experiences and happiness?  Or have you surrounded yourself with situations and people that make your life feel like the shades are down?

One of my instructors in the martial arts taught me "Surround yourself with smart people and you become smart.  Surround yourself with nice people and you become nice.  Surround yourself with happy people and you become happy."

The easy way to end this article is for me to say something like "Start spending more time with the positive folks in your life and less time with the negative ones."  Sure, that's good advice and will help you develop more control over your own happiness but I'm going to go a different route...

If the people you see each day were to take stock of the folks in *their* life, which group would *you* end up in?  Would you be grouped with the smart, nice, happy ones?  Or would you be in the group that they want to minimize contact with? 

Are you comfortable with the answer to that question?

I suspect most of us are not 100% in one group or the other.  With some people, you are "good folk".  But with some, maybe you've developed behaviors that make you come across as difficult, negative or unhappy. 

Asking and answering questions like this about yourself is never easy.  And acting on those answers is even harder.

Are the shades open or shut?

Back in the late 1970s, I was working at a small hospital in Groves, Texas doing yard work. On most days after school, I could be found outside mowing grass, picking up trash or doing small repairs. But some days I got to go inside and change the filters in the air conditioners in the patient rooms. This was one of my more pleasant duties since it was inside out of the heat. The job was pretty simple – just go to each room, pop the cover off the front of the air conditioner, take out the old filter and stick in a new one.

As I went from room to room, I started to see a pattern. Some of the patients would be sitting up, talking to visitors, watching television or reading a book. Other patients would be flat on their backs, or curled up in a fetal position obviously not feeling well. Sometimes they would be whimpering in pain or crying.

Almost without fail, the ones that were sitting up and talking would have their window shades open and the lights on in the room. The ones that were feeling poorly would have the shades shut and the lights off. As a result, their rooms were dark and gloomy while the other rooms were light and airy.

Did the one group have the shades up because they felt well? Or did they feel well because they had the shades up? I can’t answer that question scientifically but I sure can tell you what thought stuck in my teenage mind. To me, locking yourself in a dark room made you feel bad.

Since then, I’ve had to go in the hospital a couple of times and I made sure that the shades were up whenever possible.

How do you live your life? Are the shades open or shut?

A book you may like - Rudy Giuliani's LEADERSHIP

I just finished listening to Rudy Giuliani's book Leadership - unabridged on eleven CDs. I've heard him speak in person and thought he was interesting and entertaining and this book didn't disappoint. But this isn't a book review so I won't summarize or analyze. I'll just tell you why I recommend it.

Though the bulk of it dealt with lessons learned from 9/11, there was also plenty of material from his early days as a federal prosecutor. I learned quite a bit from his stories, not the least of which was the impact of 9/11 on the people of New York City. Obviously that day affected all Americans but I didn't have a complete sense for how it affected the people of NYC, both individually and as a group. His stories of the days immediately after 9/11 gave me a new appreciation for what they suffered. If not for any other reason, the book would be worthwhile.

On a personal level, it was interesting to hear about his experience with cancer. He was diagnosed while he was running for the Senate and eventually withdrew to focus on his health. Hard to argue with that decision.

Leadership without authority is the best kind

There is a management axiom that says you can't have responsibility without authority and vice-versa. I agree completely with that sentiment so don't start thinking the title of this article is contradicting that time-tested idea. Instead, I'm pushing a slightly different idea - You can learn to show leadership skills in your own life without the benefit of authority. That is, despite a lack of title or position, you can learn to influence others in positive ways.

One of the core themes for this blog is how to take control of your own life. And one of the tools that I push for accomplishing that goal is leadership training. The idea is that by learning how to become a leader in your personal life, you'll feel more in control and less stress. That doesn't mean you have to be a CEO to be happy, Instead, it means that by learning how to influence others in a positive way, you'll develop stronger relationships with them and accomplish more things that make you and them happy. It doesn't matter whether you are trying to complete a team project at work or school or getting some friends involved in a bowling league - leadership skills are a key to success.

Those ideas in the prior paragraph may seem obvious to you but a lot of people think that leadership training is only for bosses. I've even heard people say that they aren't a manager and never will be, so they don't need to learn anything about leadership.

I'll try to address this sentiment in the most polite way possible… rubbish!

True leadership isn't about telling people to do things. Yes, sometimes that is required of someone in authority. But more often, a leader needs to communicate a goal and convince others to hop on board to try to achieve it. Getting people to work toward a common goal when they aren't being ordered to do so is true leadership.

Can you benefit from this idea?  Do you have a spouse, kids, coworkers or friends? Then you need to understand how to behave as an effective leader. And if you don't have any of those people in your life, well… trying something different sure couldn't make things worse, could it?

Fortunately, there are a ton of resources available on the subject - books, audios and seminars beyond count. All these are a good start. But it is also important to find a mentor that can help you understand the value of acting as a leader in your own life. For me, that began with my martial arts instructors. They opened my eyes to the idea that everyone can be a leader. With what I learned from them, the books and audios started to make more sense. I was able to start applying the lessons they contained.

Go find someone in your life whose opinion you value and ask them about their views on leadership. Then start reading and listening to audio books. Look for opportunities to influence others without relying on authority.

What you'll find is a bit startling to some folks . You'll influence others most when you focus on helping them solve their own problems. I guarantee you this - people will think the world of you if you help make their world a little bit better. And once that happens, your opportunity for influence will increase dramatically. This influence is called leadership and you earned it. That's the best way.

They are people, not resources

The door to the boardroom opens and the CEO walks confidently up to the podium.  In an effort to show how in-touch he is with the latest management philosophies, he proudly announces to all the shareholders...

"Here at XYZ Corp, resources are our most important asset."

Down the hall, in a training class for new managers, the students are solemnly instructed to...

"Take care of your resources and they will take care of you."

And on the motivational poster in the hallway, future leaders are reminded that...

"One measure of leadership is the caliber of resources who choose to follow you."

Yes, these misquotes are silly but think about how often you hear statements like

"Hey Bob, is Steve available?  I need to add a resource to my project."

"We want to grow the organization by 15 resources this year."

"Sales were bad this quarter so we need to downsize 5 resources."

When did we stop calling people "people" and start calling them "resources"?  When did the "Personnel Department" become the "Human Resources Department"?

There is a very real cost associated with referring to employees and co-workers as "resources" instead of "people".  It is the dehumanization of all employees.  The underlying message is that the people in the organization are literally resources - just like the chairs, desks, computers and copiers.  The results manifest themselves in the subtle, unpleasant ways that we have come to accept as the norm in today's corporate world. 

As one of my mentors taught me, the words you use drive your thoughts and your actions.  I don't believe it is possible to call people "resources" on a daily basis and still treat them with the respect they deserve.  But you know what, I've been wrong before and I may be wrong now.  So here is a challenge for you - prove me wrong.

Identify a true leader in our society that habitually refers to people on his or her staff as resources.  Tell me about this person and how they embody all the traits of a true leader:
§ They empower their resources to take the initiative
§ They demonstrate a deep desire to help their resources grow
§ They communicate a clear vision to the resources and enlist their willing help to achieve it
§ They stand up for their resources in times of trouble

Write me a note and tell me all about this "leader of resources".  But I bet you can't.  Because only managers deal with resources.  A leader deals with people.

A Friend I Barely Knew

I attended a funeral today for a man I had only met a few times. Even though he probably wouldn't have recognized me had he passed me on the street, Ken Obertubbesing made a significant impact on my life. You see, he and I were diagnosed with colon cancer at roughly the same time. When we met for the first time, he was in the middle of his chemo treatments and I had not yet started mine. As we talked about our shared circumstance, I was struck by his upbeat attitude and positive spirit.

As our daughters went through high school together, Ken and I ran into each other from time to time. We would exchange a quick word of encouragement for each other and then months would pass before I would see him again. I tried to keep up with his situation through my daughter but after she graduated high school, the updates came less frequently.

Last week I heard the news that he succumbed to the colon cancer. He and I had both just passed our five year marks. Unfortunately, his battle took a different turn than mine.

I can't tell you what Ken did in his free time, what his favorite food was or almost anything else about him. However, I can tell you that his upbeat spirit was contagious and helped me stay positive during my own treatments. So I count him as a friend I barely knew.

Thank you Ken.

Play the game all out

Bear with me on this story… it starts out like Just Another Golf Story by Just Another Middle-Aged Guy. But there's actually a non-golf point to be made.

Recently I've been taking lessons at GolfTec (if you love golf and love technology, you should go check them out). The instructor, Tim, has gradually been helping me fix one thing at a time in my swing and after several lessons it is starting to come together. This weekend, I came home from my lesson all enthused because my club-head speed had gone from 85 MPH to 100+ MPH. If you aren't a golfer, trust me when I say this a good thing. I won't bore you with the details of what he changed except to say that he got me to throw my heart into the swing and really follow through. Bruce Lee made a similar point when he said that you must strike with "emotional content".

As I was describing this change to my wife, she asked one deceptively simple question - "Why did you learn the original bad habit in the first place?" That is, why was I holding back and putting the brakes on my swing? I have been a Bad Golfer for such a long time, it took some effort to think back that far but I finally managed it.

The first few times I hit a golf ball, the ball didn't do quite what I wanted. That is to say, it went in random and unpredictable directions. Rather than taking lessons and fixing the underlying problem, I just made it worse. Because I didn't have any confidence in where the ball was going, I started to hold back a bit. To be tentative.

But as my instructor in kempo-karate says, "If you're going to play the game, play it all out."

Without doubt, there are times to be conservative and to hold a little bit back in reserve. But there are also times when that doesn't cut the mustard. There are times when you need to jump in with both feet. Whether you are opening a new business, falling in love or learning to sky-dive, you need to put your whole heart into it.

Is there anything you are doing in your life where you are holding yourself back? Is there anything where you could be more successful if you took the parking brake off? Think about it and let me know.

Don't Be Afraid to be a Salesman

During his presidency, George W. Bush encouraged people to help strengthen our economy by going shopping. When I heard this, I knew it didn't sound right to me. There was the germ of an idea in there but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Recently it came together for me.

It isn't about how much we buy, it's about how much we sell. And I don't mean how much junk we sell or how many people we can con into buying an overpriced good or service. When a person can sell something that legitimately solves another person's problem or need, then he raises the standard of living for both of them. And when that happens, our economy grows.

On the other hand, if someone sells a shoddy piece of merchandise or a service that doesn't really solve the buyer's problem, then not only was nothing gained but something was lost. Yes, money changed hands and one party came out ahead but the original need stays unfulfilled. So the standard of living for the buyer did not improve. He or she is not only out money but still has the original need.

A good salesman is an educator. He or she helps a person identify the real underlying need and educates them as to the range of solutions that are available to them. If I go into the hardware store asking for a mop to clean up a water leak, an average salesperson will sell me a mop. A good one will help me figure out the cause of the leak and will sell me the tools and material that I can use to fix it. The first one made a sell but the second one solved my problem and raised the standard of living for both of us.

So while President Bush may have had the right idea, he came at it from the wrong angle. Do you want to help get the economy back on track? Then find someone with a problem and help them solve it. Sell them a product or service that addresses their need. Then help them find their next problem and solve that one too. If enough people become problem-solvers, making an honest profit for helping others, our economy will make a huge turn-around.

Public speaking make you nervous?

How do you feel when you have to speak in front of a group? Are you nervous? Join the club… it has been said that public speaking is one of the greatest fears that people have. When put into that situation, many people get nervous, tongue-tied and start stammering. For the longest time, I would beat myself up if I spoke in front of people and didn't do as well as I thought I should have. If I didn't come across as a marvelous orator, I would feel embarrassed and like I had failed. Then I had a change of heart.

What I realized is that on some days, I will be able to speak eloquently, with a captivating narrative and with the ability to communicate the subtlest of points with ease. And on some days, I'm barely able to state my name and address! But every time I talk to a group, I follow this simple rule I learned from one of my mentors - "Speak from the heart, tell the truth and you can never go wrong". So when I speak in front of people nowadays, my only measure of success is "Did I speak from the heart about something I think is important?" If the answer is yes, then I was successful.

Sure, on some days my words may flow more naturally than on other days. But you know what? Even on my off days, the audience can usually figure out what I'm trying to say. And since they are more focused on the message than on the words, everything works out in the end. As a result, I now truly enjoy speaking in front of people.

If you have a fear of public speaking and this helps you deal with it better, send me a note and let me know. I always enjoy hearing about people's successes.

Are You Honest With Yourself?

In our kempo-karate class, the Word of the Week recently was "Honesty". Normally, we talk about honesty as it relates to other people: Don't lie. Tell the Truth. Good lessons, but there's another part to it.

Are you being honest with yourself? When it comes to the things you do, do you give them your best effort? In karate, that means "Are you training hard so that you will really deserve that next belt?" In the workplace - "Did you give that task your best effort?" Around the house - "Do you do chores that need doing, without being told to or expecting credit?"

Did you ever turn a blind eye to some annoying chore, hoping that someone else will see it and do it first? If so, then clearly you are doing that other person a disservice. But even worse, you aren't being honest with yourself. Because I'm pretty sure if someone asked if you are kind, considerate and helpful, you would probably sprain your neck nodding your head yes! You would probably even believe it.

If you are honest with yourself, there will be times you don't like what you see. That's okay. In fact, it is a good thing.